How to win an election: Lessons learned from the ‘robocalls’ scandal

A federal court judge has reached a decision in the ‘robocalls’ scandal, confirming that an attempt was made to affect the results in six ridings, and big whoop.  No candidates were found guilty of wrongdoing, and no real harm was determined to have been done.

There was “a concerted campaign by persons who had access to a database of voter information maintained by a political party,” Judge Richard Mosley ruled. “I find that electoral fraud occurred during the 41st General Election but I am not satisfied that it has been established that the fraud affected the outcomes in the subject ridings and I decline to exercise my discretion to annul the results in those districts.”

Game, set, and match. And the conservatives win!

Would you like to steal your very own election?  Follow this handy guide from your friends at Mooseclean’s:

  • Acquire a lot of young interns: they’re practically infinite, virtually anonymous, morally ambiguous, eager to please, and easy to slap down when they ask nosy questions.

  • Assign them ‘helpful’ tasks in isolation, from the candidate and from each other. Convince each that you are entrusting them, and only them, with a ‘secret mission’ vital to the future of Canada.
  • Helpful tasks in this ‘mission’ may include: making live or recorded calls that impersonate Elections Canada personnel or the campaign staff of competing candidates.
  • Soothe any perceived concerns about wrongdoing. This impersonation isn’t fraud any more than Dad pretending to be Santa or Mom being the tooth fairy. It’s for the good of the voter, to keep them feeling calm and secure when they receive unexpected news: that their poll has changed.
  • Provide your interns with addresses on plain scraps of paper.  These can be addresses to anything: Tim Horton’s locations, parking lots, or majestic fields of canola.
  • Keep printed copies of voter lists in ample supply. Electronic databases have an irritating habit of keeping access logs.

Then, stand back and savour the chaos. Keep quiet, stay positive, deny everything to everyone, and dispose of any unnecessary scraps of paper (including the names of interns).

Yes, with just a little bit of management finesse, plausible deniability, and good old fashioned luck, you too can shape the future of Canada.

We hope this has been illustrative.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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