Police make drug bust while searching for pedophile

OAKVILLE—A search for a black SUV connected with a ring of pedophiles believed to be operating in the Oakville area resulted in an unrelated drug bust early Wednesday morning.

Sgt. Jeff Mackelmoreal was out searching for a black SUV believed to be connected with the pedophile ring when he saw a suspicious young man with a backpack and dreadlocks walking down the street in an especially “relaxed and care-free manner”. 

Continue Reading

Syria legalizes marijuana

In adopting Uruguay’s new model of regulating the legal sale of recreational marijuana, the Middle Eastern nation of Syria has passed a bill which will allow the legal sale of the drug throughout the country.

“Not only will this add vibrancy to our unique tourism industry, but the legalization of cannabis will liberate our people against the arbitrary restriction against one of our God’s earthly creations,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

Continue Reading

Survey says Ottawans might trade Watson for Ford

OTTAWA—In a survey conducted exclusively for Mooseclean’s, 25% of individuals polled would consider trading Ottawa’s counsellor-turned-mayor Jim Watson for Toronto’s hoodlum-turned-mayor Rob “F-ing” Ford.

Some respondents agreed to provide comments for this article in return for anonymity; others did not specify. In a calculated and completely unapologetic attempt to create controversy and boost readership, we’ve elected to publish quotes obtained from the latter group.

Continue Reading