Letters to the editor: Pork is evil

Yesterday I was eating a ham sandwich and I had another stark realization. Pork is evil.

As wide as the gulf of understanding may be between the Muslims and the Jews, this much they can agree on: Pork is evil.

Of course, they’ll continue their fervid debate on the relative merits of the Koran vs. the Torah, but when it comes to casting their scorn before swine, they’re “Brothers in Argghhh!!!” Because pork is evil.

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Man eats shit, dies

ST. JOHN’S—Local plumber and smart ass John Hyde died this week after being infected with Baylisascaris procyonis. Public health officials say this is the first case of B. procyonis death ever recorded in St. John’s.

It appears Mr. Hyde ingested raccoon droppings last fall when taunted by his wife.  “I can’t believe it.  I just can’t believe that idiot finally did what I told him and died because of it,” said a tearful Gina Hyde.  “He was my husband and I loved him, but he was so headstrong.  And such a dumb ass.”

Mrs. Hyde told Mooseclean’s that she and her husband had been arguing while walking through Victoria Park.  When the fight reached a boiling point, Hyde suggested her husband eat shit and die.  In response, he scanned the ground, grabbed a pile of crap and stuffed it in his mouth. 

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St. John’s man stays positive in face of Lululemon ban

A Newfoundland man has been banned from Lululemon Athletica stores for reasons he can not comprehend. Gump Brownsey, 52 calls the ban “unfair” claiming he was merely responding to encouragements laid out by The Lululemon Manifesto.

“I’ve followed their pointers for years,” says Brownsey, motioning to his Lululemon Diversity Wunder Under Crop. “Why they’d suddenly have a problem with an acolyte just following orders baffles the bejeezus out of me.”

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