Breathing increases risk of cancer, study finds

Tuktoyaktuk, NWT—You quit smoking, cut back on drinking, started exercising regularly, and bought organic products. Good for you. . .but sadly, not good enough.  You’re still utterly screwed, according to new findings released today by the University of Tuktoyaktuk.

Dr. Desna Kingudlerk, Dean of Tuk-Tech—the University’s school of science—revealed the startling findings. By regularly testing two carefully monitored populations, air was determined to be the culprit.

“One group of subjects—the control group—breathed normally, while the second group—the experimental group—refrained from breathing for increasing lengths of time,” he explained. “At first, we didn’t see a lot of difference, so we asked the second group to hold their breath even longer. That’s when things got interesting.”

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