New drug promises to help Canadians sleep better at night

A new drug which scientists claim will help millions of Canadians sleep better at night will be hitting the market on Friday.

The drug, called Zonoplasmo, is designed to treat Thinkforyourselfitus by suppressing the guilt, depression and cognitive dissonance that many people experience when they become aware of how Canadian society really operates.

Continue Reading

Scientists prove nobody cares that cannabis cures cancer

After hundreds of independent studies, scientists at the University of Toronto have finally concluded that nobody cares that cannabis cures cancer.

The research, led by biologist Dr. Gianni Lucifero, showed that most people, when confronted with scientific evidence in the form of peer-reviewed research papers suggesting compounds found in cannabis have the potential to kill cancer cells in human patients, in addition to hundreds of testimonials from people confirming their first hand success with the medicine, still reject the premise outright

Continue Reading

Rival protest groups clash on street corner

Violence broke out yesterday among two rival protest groups competing for space at the same intersection of Lakeshore and Trafalgar in Oakville.

One group, who had gathered early Wednesday morning to petition for signatures calling for the return of Taco Bell to the Oakville Mall, became enraged when another group of military veterans began protesting the conflict in the Middle East on an adjacent street corner.

Continue Reading

“We should refocus on creating Artificial Stupidity” says U of T scientist

Gianni Lucifero, a top scientist at the University of Toronto, has written a paper claiming that the way to successfully reproduce human consciousness is by creating what he calls “artificial stupidity,” rather than the conventional approach of artificial intelligence (AI).

AI researchers have been trying to reproduce human consciousness for years, but the goal has not yet been reached to anyone’s satisfaction. Lucifero believes this is because of a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of consciousness.

Continue Reading

Conservative MPP clarifies statements regarding “ethnic cleansing”

Conservative MPP Robert McGuire held a press conference yesterday, after comments he made to a reporter on live television resulted in public outrage. 

McGuire, MPP for Haldimand-Norfolk in Southern Ontario, was in Toronto attending a Conservative Party convention when he was asked by a CBC reporter how he felt about the Middle East and all the ethnic cleansing currently going on. McGuire stated that he was “proud of the ethnic cleansing” and added that he is “hoping to see the trend continue well into the future.” 

Continue Reading

Most Canadian guys still can’t beat up their dads, study says

A recent study has concluded that for the first time in modern history, the average Canadian male between the ages of 25 and 40 still can’t beat up his own father.

“Based on our research, we conclude that if all the able-bodied men between the ages of 25-40 in this country were forced to engage their own fathers in hand-to-hand combat, 56 per cent of them would have their skulls crushed, or suffer some other brutal fatality. Men are definitely getting weaker,” said one researcher from the University of Toronto.

Continue Reading

Liberals announce “Green Week” initiative to help the environment

The Liberal Government of Ontario announced Wednesday that it is beginning a new campaign aimed at helping the environment.  The campaign is aimed at raising awareness for the need of sustainable energy sources.

Beginning on June 10th, for one week, it will be “Green Week” in Ontario, with all citizens urged to wear as much green clothing as they can to help support the environment. The week will conclude with a parade down Yonge Street in Toronto to draw attention to the environment and celebrate the Liberal’s green energy policies.

Continue Reading