Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove

Though they were the innocent victims in all of this, wrongfully accused of worldwide bio-terrorism, spokescows chose to take the high road, responding to their critics: “Moo. Moo moo. Moo? Mooooooooooo.”

KEMPTVILLE, Ontario—Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings of alienation and personal rejection, a climate change think tank warned today.

The Centre for Vegan Bio-terrorism Research studied the relative emissions discharge of cattle, vegans, and “normal” people, and produced some surprising results according to the Ontario Ranchers Association, corporate sponsors of the research.

“Just one vegan consuming a typical diet of soy products, legumes, lentils, nuts, seeds and whole grains, produces sufficient harmful methane gas in a single day to fill a space equivalent to the Toronto SkyDome,” a researcher said, adding, “This is really harmful to the environment.”

He went on to suggest that truly environmentally conscious social activists would do better to consume a diet equivalent to the daily consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, half a kilo of bacon, 6 eggs, a sexy Mexican cabana boy by the name of Eduardo (lightly marinated in olive oil) and 2 litres of milk, were they truly concerned about the future welfare of the human race due to pollution and overpopulation.

Dr. Derrière le Plouft, professor of Environmental Studies at Carleton University, said that in addition to environmental damage, veganism causes untold human tragedy in the form of unemployment, discrimination, and poverty to farmers, their families, abattoir employees, their families, meat packing plant workers, their families, and meat marketing specialists (and their families).

The validity of these statements have been independently confirmed via third party assurances from The Ontario Pork Producers’ Marketing Board, The Ontario Egg Producers Syndicate, and the Ontario United Meat Processors Association.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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