Former teen gospel singer to headline NFL half-time show

ARIZONA—In an attempt to increase beer sales during half-time, NFL executives have booked Katy Perry to perform at the 49th annual Super Bowl.

“After assessing the importance of generating revenue during a break in the game, and comparing concession sales of past performers, we decided booking someone completely incongruous to the average football fan was the way to go,” said NFL Marketing CEO Michael Strong.

Championship games that featured mainstream and classic rock acts showed sales of food and drink were down as opposed to years that highlighted pop music. “Numbers don’t lie,” said media analyst June Crayson. “When bands like the Rolling Stones, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen were on the bill, nobody left their seats.  Conversely, the year Shania Twain performed with No Doubt and Sting, a record was set for beer sales.”

NFL super fan Bubba Sickle confirms this year’s performer is of no interest. “Katy Perry?  That little girl with lollipops for tits?  Yeah, I won’t be watching her.  I’ll use that time to drain the weasel and get more Bud Light.”

Strong went on to say that the line-up this year is engineered to create a perfect storm of concession earnings.  “Idina Menzel will perform the national anthem, with John Legend covering America the Beautiful. That gives patrons an extra 10 or 15 minutes to spend money on the concourse before the game starts.”

“Idina Menzel?” asked Sickle.  “Is that the lady who sings the damn Disney song my kid plays on repeat?”

The February 1 game is already a very expensive ticket, but Strong says extra earnings are not the whole picture. “I think booking Lenny Kravitz as a special guest shows that we made an effort to accommodate the average fan,” said Strong.  “Plus, he was super cheap.”

Photo: Eva Rinaldi (flickr)

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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