Prostitution Charges Rub Patriots Owner the Wrong Way

Sports is all about ritual. Eating the same breakfast. Putting on the right shoe first. Kissing a charm for good luck. On the day of the AFC title game, the owner of the New England Patriots carried out his own tradition when he visited a massage parlor and got laid.

On Monday, Florida police charged Robert Kraft with two counts of soliciting prostitution. Kraft’s lawyers are saying a mistake has been made, reasoning that their client is too rich to suffer such an indignity.

In the bewildering and exciting aftermath of yet another Super Bowl win, Kraft unwittingly revealed his dalliance. When the world champion owner was asked by reporters, “Robert Kraft, you’ve just won the Super Bowl—what are you doing next?” Kraft replied, “I’m going to Orchids of Asia!” In a PR nightmare, the hapless billionaire seemed to confuse Disney World with another Florida vacation destination.

The Orchids of Asia Day Spa had been under police investigation as part of a human trafficking sting. A number of male patrons, including Kraft, were caught with their pants down during video surveillance.

Asked for comment, the NFL said it was just “boys being boys” but that Kraft would need to go to sensitivity training for outward appearances. “We got a real nice place in Orlando called China Lillies where he can learn from his mistakes,” said commissioner Roger Goodell.

The Patriots have a rich tradition of flaunting the rules. “It’s a sort of rare football hat trick if you will,” said sport analyst Bud Squires. “First the coach is busted for cheating, then the quarterback, and now the owner.”  

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

One Comment

  1. Man, if the owner was involved in this prostitution, and there is some proof of it, as well, then this is going to bite this owner back quite hard. I don’t get why these owners have to get involved in other shady businesses.

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