MIAMI — Parents across the nation are reeling this week after news broke that Steve Burns, the beloved former host of the children’s television show “Blue’s Clues,” has launched a new venture aimed at adults: the “Blue’s Clues Booze Cruise.” The once-wholesome host is shrugging off what critics are calling a “betrayal of childhood innocence.”

The exclusive getaway, marketed with the tagline “Find the Clues, Lose the Blues,” promises an unforgettable experience for nostalgic adults, featuring themed cocktails like “Steve’s Surprise” and “Mailtime Margarita.” The itinerary includes scavenger hunts for “clues” hidden around the ship, late-night karaoke sessions, and a questionable meet-and-greet with Burns himself where participants are required to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

The controversy reached new heights when a promotional video surfaced online, showing Burns encouraging attendees to “skidoo” into a giant punch bowl.

“This is not the Steve we remember,” lamented concerned parent Patricia Williamson, who fondly recalls watching the show with her now-grown children. “My kids loved Blue’s Clues. Now, I have to explain why Steve is offering tequila shots at something called ‘Slippery Soap’s Soiree.'”

Burns, however, sees the cruise as a natural progression of his career. “I’ve grown up, and so has my audience,” he said in a recent interview, loudly slurping a cocktail from a sippy cup. “We’re all adults now, and we need new mysteries to explore.”

Child psychologist Dr. Sandra Klein warns that the cruise could have adverse effects on those who grew up idolizing Burns. “Seeing a childhood hero in this light can be jarring,” she said. “It might cause confusion and a sense of loss for what was once a safe and comforting presence.”

Despite the backlash, tickets for the inaugural Blue’s Clues Booze Cruise sold out within hours, with many eager participants expressing excitement over the chance to relive their childhood with a twist. “It’s like a dream come true,” said 29-year-old fan Marcus Miller. “I get to hunt for clues with Steve while anal-chugging a Blueberry Boozeberry! What’s not to love?”

Nickelodeon, the network behind “Blue’s Clues,” has remained tight-lipped about the situation, issuing only a brief statement that they are “aware of Mr. Burns’ independent activities” and have “no affiliation with the event.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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