In explanation of his long history of questionable decisions, top neuroscientists have confirmed what many have long suspected: President Drumpf may be suffering from an extreme case of hydrocephalus, a condition that has left him with only 10% of his brain intact. Despite this, he has somehow managed to function (loosely speaking) as a businessman, reality TV star, and leader of the free world.
The discovery was made after researchers analyzed decades of his public statements, decision-making patterns, and late-night social media meltdowns. Their findings were conclusive: Tantrump’s brain scans appear almost identical to those of a 44-year-old Frenchman who, despite losing 90% of his brain matter, continued living a relatively normal life. The key difference? The Frenchman didn’t attempt to overthrow democracy or sell commemorative sneakers with his mugshot on them.
A Scientific Miracle or a National Tragedy?
“Frankly, we’ve never seen a case like this before,” said Dr. Sylvia Greyson, a leading neurologist at Johns Hopkins. “The average person with this condition struggles with basic cognitive functions, but Mr. Drumpf has somehow managed to run multiple businesses into the ground, hold the highest office in the country, and still find time to misspell words like ‘hamburger’ and ‘unpresidented.’ It’s both impressive and deeply terrifying.”
According to the research, Drumpf’s erratic behavior can now be explained as a direct result of his condition. His difficulty with facts, impulsive decision-making, and toddler-like tantrums may not be simple personality traits but rather a medical necessity. The brain, left with limited real estate, appears to have prioritized ego inflation, grievance collection, and an unshakable belief in his own genius over more practical functions, such as critical thinking, basic empathy, or the ability to drink water with one hand.
The Medical Community Weighs In
Doctors speculate that Drumpf’s brain, despite its size constraints, has undergone a unique form of “radical plasticity,” rerouting all available processing power toward key survival instincts: self-promotion, paranoia, and an uncanny ability to dodge consequences.
“We’ve seen brains compensate for missing sections before,” said Dr. Raj Patel, a neuropsychologist. “But Drumpf’s brain appears to have devoted what little space it has left to a single function: maintaining a narrative where he is always the victim. It’s a highly specialized adaptation, like a chameleon blending into a background of tax fraud and civil lawsuits.”
What This Means for America
Experts warn that this condition could explain Drumpf’s alternative relationship with reality, including his belief that windmills cause cancer and that he won an election he demonstrably lost. Some even suggest that he may not be lying—he may genuinely perceive these things as true, thanks to the extremely limited bandwidth of his remaining brain cells.
“It’s possible that in his mind, everything he says makes perfect sense,” Dr. Greyson added. “To him, a hurricane can be stopped with a Sharpie, and bleach is a perfectly reasonable COVID cure. The missing 90% of his brain might have once contained the areas responsible for second-guessing terrible ideas.”
Could This Condition Be Treated?
While the Cheeto-in-Chief’s legal team has already floated the idea of using his condition as a defense in upcoming trials (“How can he be held accountable if he’s literally missing most of his brain?”), medical professionals are skeptical that any treatment could reverse the damage.
“We considered suggesting a rigorous cognitive rehabilitation program,” Dr. Patel said. “But he’d likely just call it a witch hunt and refuse to participate. At this stage, the only thing that might restore his cognitive function is an emergency transplant of facts, logic, and basic human decency—which, unfortunately, modern medicine has yet to develop.”
The Final Analysis
While Drumpf’s ability to function with such a limited brain is undeniably impressive, the implications for American democracy are less inspiring. Scientists warn that if his condition goes untreated, we may soon witness the first presidential campaign run entirely on muscle memory and catchphrases.
Still, some remain hopeful. “If a man with only 10% of his brain can become President,” Dr. Greyson mused, “imagine what someone with a fully intact brain could do.”
In the meantime, Drumpf remains undeterred, continuing to post all-caps rants on social media and insist that he is the best thinker, the best president, and the best person ever to have only 10% of their brain.
“I have the best brain,” he said in a recent speech. “I know more about brains than anyone. Believe me.”
Meanwhile, half of the the US population and the majority of the rest of the planet, remain unconvinced.