Untaxed Cigarettes Pose Significant Health Risk, Government Warns
OTTAWA — In a recent announcement that has left the public gasping for breath, the Government of Canada has issued a dire warning about the dangers of untaxed cigarettes. According…
Food Influencer Car Interiors Resemble Culinary Jackson Pollocks
Crumbl Cookies, fried chicken, your neighbour’s bake sale—it seems like any food is fair game for reviewers. Every video seeks to raise or bastardize the profile of restaurants and influence…
University Shocked to Learn White Supremacists Identify with Nebraska Mascot
LINCOLN, NEBRASKA—The University of Nebraska’s mascot has gotten a makeover. Herbie Husker has long been depicted as an overall-clad good old boy with a mop of blond hair, an oversized…
Dollar Tree, Not Giving Tree
USA—Where can you buy a laundry basket, pregnancy test, and reading glasses for three dollars? Not Dollar Tree. Not anymore. The US-based company has said it will begin charging more…
AstraZeneca Recipients Given a Shrug
CANADA—More than two million Canadians have received an AstraZeneca shot during the pandemic, including 40-somethings who rushed pharmacies when the vaccine was approved for their age group in late April.…
Living with Parents New Pandemic Low
TORONTO—Katie Hampton has moved back in with her parents. “I’m selling my condo and I have to be out of the space during the viewings,” said Hampton. “I’m hoping it…
Embarrassment Cited as Cause of Death in Robert Trump’s Passing
He was known as the ‘younger’ Trump, the ‘quieter’ Trump, the ‘actually-not-an-asshole’ Trump, and the ‘surpisingly-not-bat-fucking-insane’ Trump. He was a patient supporter and eloquent defender of his elder brother, and…
Going for Glory During COVID
TORONTO—Glory be! We can have sex again! The BC Centre for Disease Control (BCCDC) is condoning doing the deed, as long as we take precautions during COVID-19. One suggestion made…
Take Off, Hoser! Bob and Doug Blast Into Space
ISS—Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley rode the SpaceX Crew Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station, docking on Sunday. That’s right—Bob and Doug went to space. The US press has…
Excuse to Humble Brag Brings Comfort During Isolation
Just because you’re stuck at home doesn’t mean you have to appear lame. Unable to post pictures from hot restaurants, exclusive parties, and exotic travel destinations, people have found a…