The Donald Hires Collections Agency to Pursue Mexico’s Border Wall Payment
WASHINGTON — Once and future President Donald Drumpf, never one to abandon a campaign promise, has taken an unconventional step to secure funding for his long-touted border wall: hiring a…
Local Boy Found Home Alone, Channeling ’90s Movie Spirit
OAKVILLE, Ontario — In a scene straight out of a classic ’90s holiday movie, eight-year-old Kevin McAllister was found home alone on Thursday morning, after his family inadvertently left him…
Drumpf Declares Plan to Annex Canada
WASHINGTON — In a move that has left diplomats scratching their heads and Canadians furiously Googling “impeachment from abroad,” former and future President Donald Drumpf has announced his latest ambition:…
When You Become the Idiot You Once Replaced, It’s Time to Move On
Once upon a time, a charming political maverick swooped in like a Netflix heartthrob to save Canada from stale leadership. Enter Justin Trudeau, complete with great hair, rolled-up sleeves, and…
Affairs at Religious-Owned Hotels 40% More Satisfying, Peer-Reviewed Journal Finds
A groundbreaking new study published in the highly respected peer-reviewed journal Moral Paradoxes Quarterly has revealed an unexpected twist in the hospitality industry: affairs conducted at overtly religious-owned hotels are…
unOfficial Doug Hempstead Traffic Report Cheetsheet
sluggish, tied up, slow, congested, heavy, lethargic, delayed, lagging, backed up, crawling, bumper-to-bumper, snarled, gridlocked, clogged, jammed, creeping, inching, bottlenecked, stalled, obstructed, impeded, hindered, bogged down, restricted, snagged, slowed to…
Local Child Insists He’s an Airplane
OTTAWA — In a turmoil disrupting the normally boring southern neighbourhood of Blossom Park, the Smith family finds themselves at the center of an unusual—and apparently catastrophic—crisis: their six-year-old son,…
Idiot Elected to Run Country to Appoint Other Idiots to Help Run Country
WASHINGTON — In what critics have dubbed the “Council of Contradictions,” President-elect Drumpf’s latest proposed cabinet appointments have raised eyebrows, questions, and the blood pressure of anyone who has ever…
#MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain, Take 2
In a twist no one anticipated (or, perhaps, everyone secretly hoped for), a resurgence of the #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain campaign has emerged following the Cheeto-in-Chief’s successful presidential bid. Once the viral centerpiece…
Denial of Service Attacks Only Seem to Embolden Political Satirists
OTTAWA — In a reversal that has made cybersecurity experts, political analysts, and amateur comedians collectively raise an eyebrow, a series of denial-of-service (DoS) attacks on political humour websites this…