WASHINGTON — Once and future President Donald Drumpf, never one to abandon a campaign promise, has taken an unconventional step to secure funding for his long-touted border wall: hiring a collections agency. The move comes after his oft-repeated claims that Mexico would foot the bill for the controversial project, a promise that, much like Trump’s original steaks, never fully materialized.

Sources close to the former president say he’s contracted “Four Seasons Collections, Inc.,” a company specializing in retrieving debts that may or may not exist. A press release from Drumpf’s Mar-a-Lago office described the effort as “a tremendous idea—the best idea—to get what’s owed to America.”

“They said it couldn’t be done, but we’re doing it,” Drumpf said in a recorded statement, his voice resonating with the same defiance that defined his time in office. “We’re going to call them, email them, send postcards, maybe even knock on doors. Mexico owes us big and we’re getting every penny. All of them.”

An Invoice With Flair

The first step in the collection effort was a formal invoice sent to Andrés Manuel López Obrador care of the Mexican government. The document, written on gold-embossed Drumpf Organization letterhead, itemizes the wall’s alleged $15 billion cost and includes a handwritten note in Sharpie reading, “Make checks payable to Donald J. Trump. You’re welcome.”

López Obrador was reportedly baffled by the invoice, having left office in September 2024 after the election of Claudia Sheinbaum. In a press conference, he laughed and said, “We thought this was spam at first. Then a joke. Honestly, it’s very funny. Maybe we’ll frame it.”

Persistent Tactics

Once the error was realized, Four Seasons Collections promised an “aggressive yet classy” approach, including weekly calls to Mexico’s Finance Ministry. Their scripts reportedly include lines like, “This is not a scam. This is history in the making.”

Additionally, Drumpf’s team has started crowdfunding efforts in border states, selling wall-shaped piggy banks online. “Fill it up, and you’ll be part of something huuuge,” reads the product description. Early sales numbers are reportedly “disappointing but not zero,” according to a Four Seasons spokesperson.

Legal Challenges Loom

Experts have already begun questioning the legality of this endeavour. “There’s no enforceable contract here,” said constitutional lawyer Elena Barrister. “You can’t just send someone a bill for something they didn’t agree to pay for. That’s not how international relations work.”

When pressed on this point, Drumpf responded via Truth Social: “FAKE NEWS LAWYERS don’t get it. Mexico KNOWS they owe us. Everyone knows. It’s called common sense. Sad!”

Mexico’s Response

For their part, Mexican officials have maintained a lighthearted stance. Sheinbaum’s foreign secretary joked on XTwitter, “If he really wants payment, he’ll have to collect it in pesos. Good luck with the exchange rate.”

A Never-Ending Quest

While many dismiss this latest move as a publicity stunt, Drumpf’s supporters see it as proof of his determination. “He’s a fighter,” said Gloria F. Smalls, a Florida retiree and avid MAGA hat collector. “If anyone can make Mexico pay, it’s him.”

For now, the border wall debt remains unpaid. But if Drumpf’s collections strategy fails, insiders suggest he may pivot to suing Mexico in small claims court. As one former aide put it, “He’s not giving up. He’s just getting started.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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