OTTAWA — In a move that has Canadians barking with laughter, the City of Ottawa announced today it will name its newest dog park after the once-and-current U.S. President. The “Donald J. Drumpf Memorial Bark Park” is set to open this spring and promises to embody the spirit of its namesake.

“We wanted a name evocative of both him and of the park,” said Councillor Mildred Evans during a press conference. “With all the yapping, growling, posing, and, of course, plenty of poop. It just felt right.”

A Park Like No Other

Located in the heart of downtown Ottawa, the park features state-of-the-art amenities designed to reflect the Cheeto-in-Chief’s larger-than-life persona. The golden fire hydrants stand tall as a tribute to the former president’s love for all things gilded, while a massive “Make Fetch Great Again” sign greets visitors at the entrance.

“This isn’t just a dog park; it’s a lifestyle,” Evans continued. “We’re encouraging Ottawa’s dogs to come here and be the best versions of themselves, whether that means barking incessantly, humping shamelessly, or sniffing out controversy.”

The Mango Mussolini Experience

The park will also include a “Tweeting Terrier Zone,” where dogs can bark their thoughts into speakers that broadcast messages across the park. Another highlight is the “Fake Chews Area,” a play zone featuring rubber toys designed to look like sensationalized newspaper headlines.

However, the most anticipated feature is the “Pee-lection Poll,” where dogs can vote on various issues by lifting a leg on specially marked posts. The inaugural question? “Who’s the good boy?”

Controversy and Tail Wags

Not everyone is thrilled with the park’s naming. Local resident and self-described cat person Larry Wharton called it a “spectacle.” “Tantrump and a dog park? It’s just too much chaos in one place,” he said. “And don’t even get me started on the poop bags labeled ‘You’re Fired!’”

Others, however, are embracing the humor. Dog owner Sandra Barker said, “Honestly, this is the most entertaining thing to happen in Ottawa since that time a raccoon scaled the Parliament building. My Chihuahua, Ivanka, will love it.”

Official Statement from Mar-a-Lago

The president himself has responded to the news, issuing a statement via Truth Social: “Canada LOVES me! Biggest, most luxurious dog park ever. Dogs are great, they love me—especially the big ones. People say it’s the BEST park. Sad for all the jealous cats out there!”

A Lasting Legacy

While the “Donald J. Drumpf Memorial Bark Park” hasn’t officially opened, anticipation is already high. The city has promised a grand opening ceremony featuring a “Best in Show” contest and a “Covfefe Café” pop-up serving dog-friendly treats.

As for whether the park will live up to its name, only time will tell. But if there’s one thing Ottawans can agree on, it’s that this is bound to be the most talked-about dog park north of the border—for better or woof.

By Cory Trevor

I'm too busy to write. Go away.

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