Local Boy Found Home Alone, Channeling ’90s Movie Spirit
OAKVILLE, Ontario — In a scene straight out of a classic ’90s holiday movie, eight-year-old Kevin McAllister was found home alone on Thursday morning, after his family inadvertently left him…
Drumpf Declares Plan to Annex Canada
WASHINGTON — In a move that has left diplomats scratching their heads and Canadians furiously Googling “impeachment from abroad,” former and future President Donald Drumpf has announced his latest ambition:…
When You Become the Idiot You Once Replaced, It’s Time to Move On
Once upon a time, a charming political maverick swooped in like a Netflix heartthrob to save Canada from stale leadership. Enter Justin Trudeau, complete with great hair, rolled-up sleeves, and…
Affairs at Religious-Owned Hotels 40% More Satisfying, Peer-Reviewed Journal Finds
A groundbreaking new study published in the highly respected peer-reviewed journal Moral Paradoxes Quarterly has revealed an unexpected twist in the hospitality industry: affairs conducted at overtly religious-owned hotels are…
unOfficial Doug Hempstead Traffic Report Cheetsheet
sluggish, tied up, slow, congested, heavy, lethargic, delayed, lagging, backed up, crawling, bumper-to-bumper, snarled, gridlocked, clogged, jammed, creeping, inching, bottlenecked, stalled, obstructed, impeded, hindered, bogged down, restricted, snagged, slowed to…
Local Child Insists He’s an Airplane
OTTAWA — In a turmoil disrupting the normally boring southern neighbourhood of Blossom Park, the Smith family finds themselves at the center of an unusual—and apparently catastrophic—crisis: their six-year-old son,…