WASHINGTON — In a move that has left diplomats scratching their heads and Canadians furiously Googling “impeachment from abroad,” former and future President Donald Drumpf has announced his latest ambition: the annexation of Canada. Speaking at a rally in Duluth, Minnesota, on Tuesday night, the Apricot Antichrist described the proposal as a “tremendous deal” that would transform the United States into “the greatest North American superpower of all time.”
“Canada’s been freeloading off our Netflix subscriptions for years,” Drumpf told the cheering crowd. “Why should we let them keep all that maple syrup, fresh air, and Ryan Reynolds to themselves?”
The proposal, dubbed the “The Great Idea” outlines a bold vision for incorporating Canada as the 51st state. Trump argued that the annexation would eliminate the need for “unnecessary weather reports about the polar vortex” and allow Americans to finally claim poutine as a national dish without controversy.
“A Historic Win-Win”
“This is going to be so good for both countries. So good. Incredibly good. Canadians already love me; they’re always telling me, ‘Mr. President, you’re huge in Flin Flon,’ and now we’re going to make it official. Canada is practically begging for this,” the Stable Genius claimed, though Canadian officials offered no such confirmation.
The Donald also took aim at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, whom he described as “a very weak leader who looks like he’s auditioning for a shampoo commercial.” He then vowed to personally appoint Ted Nugent as Canada’s first American governor, calling him “the only man who can wrangle a grizzly while singing the national anthem.”
Canadian Reactions: “Oh No, Absolutely Not”
Reaction from Canadian leaders has been swift and resolute. Trudeau, sporting a maple leaf lapel pin at a hastily organized press conference, called the plan “an absurd and unacceptable assault on our sovereignty.”
“Canada is a proud, independent nation, and we intend to remain that way,” Trudeau said, before adding, “And frankly, we’re not sure Americans are ready for the metric system.”
Canadian citizens have also expressed concerns, particularly over The Marmalade Menace’s vow to replace universal healthcare with “an even better plan, which I can’t talk about yet but trust me, it’ll be the best. It’ll blow your socks off.” Social media erupted with hashtags like #HandsOffOurBeavers and #WeTheNorthForever.
Experts Weigh In
Political analysts are divided on the feasibility of the plan. Some believe it’s merely a publicity stunt, while others point to Cheddar Caesar’s history of unconventional diplomacy.
“If anyone could seriously propose annexing an entire country and somehow make it about ratings, it’s Drumpf,” said Dr. Melvin Doyles, a professor of international relations at Georgetown University. “That said, this would likely violate every international law, and possibly Canada’s moose-related bylaws as well.”
Critics in the U.S. Congress have also voiced opposition, with one unnamed senator describing the proposal as “like his idea of buying Greenland, but a colder version with more plaid.”
Rally Highlights: Loonies and Timbit Toss
To drive home his point, Trump unveiled a 20-foot-tall inflatable Mountie during the rally, which he described as “the perfect new mascot for MAGA 2025.” Supporters waved signs reading “Make Maple Syrup American Again” and “Ketchup Chips Are For Communists!”
The rally ended with a rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” sung by Kid Rock while fireworks spelled out the word “S’orry.” Trump’s team also distributed Tim Hortons donuts, which were immediately criticized on social media for being “just Dunkin’ with a passport.”
What’s Next?
Trump claims the annexation plan will take effect on “Day One” of his second term, with promises to “renegotiate everything,” including the name “Canada,” which he called “too French.” Suggested alternatives reportedly include “North Montana” and “America Plus.”
“Canada is America’s hat! We’ll name it whatever we want,” he added.
For now, Canadians appear united in their defiance, with one Ottawa resident summing up the national sentiment succinctly: “We’ve really tried sticking with being the polite neighbour here, but if we’re your hat, you’re our granny panties.”