A groundbreaking new study published in the highly respected peer-reviewed journal Moral Paradoxes Quarterly has revealed an unexpected twist in the hospitality industry: affairs conducted at overtly religious-owned hotels are reportedly 40% more satisfying than those at secular establishments.
The study, titled “Forbidden Fruit and Free Wi-Fi: The Psychology of Guilt and Gratification in Hospitality Spaces,” surveyed over 2,000 individuals who admitted to extramarital escapades. Participants were asked to rate the overall satisfaction of their illicit encounters, factoring in ambiance, thrill, and quality of complimentary breakfast.
The findings indicate that hotels with religious affiliations—identified by prominently displayed outdoor signage, scripture plaques, prayer books in nightstands, and strategically placed crosses—significantly outperformed their secular counterparts. According to lead researcher Dr. Marian Devine, the elevated satisfaction stems from what she calls “the sanctity effect.”
“When guests are acutely aware of the moral undertones in their surroundings, the perceived naughtiness of their behaviour intensifies,” Dr. Devine explained. “There’s something uniquely titillating about conducting an affair under the silent gaze of a framed Psalm 23.”
Location, Location, Damnation
The study’s participants cited a range of reasons for their heightened satisfaction, with several noting that religious-owned properties often feature impeccably clean rooms and an abundance of forgiving décor. One respondent described her experience at a Faithful Suites location as “absolutely electrifying.”
“It’s one thing to sneak around,” she said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But sneaking around where they leave a devotional chocolate on your pillow? That’s next-level.”
The research also highlights the role of subtle guilt in enhancing pleasure. “We’ve long known that forbidden acts are more appealing,” said sociologist Dr. Andrew Feldstein, who was not involved in the study. “But this adds a new dimension. It’s not just about breaking marital vows; it’s about doing it in a room blessed for prayer retreats.”
Industry Response
Not surprisingly, the findings have drawn mixed reactions from the hospitality industry. A spokesperson for Heavenly Stays & Inns welcomed the publicity, announcing a new “Confession Discount” for repeat guests.
“We believe in offering comfort to all travelers,” the spokesperson said, “and we’re thrilled that people find solace—of all kinds—at our properties.”
Meanwhile, representatives for secular hotel chains have expressed skepticism. “We pride ourselves on providing neutral spaces where guests can carry out their morally ambiguous behaviour without judgment,” said a marketing executive for Modern Lodge. “We think satisfaction has more to do with thread count than theology.”
Moral Questions Persist
Critics have raised concerns about the implications of the study, questioning whether the researchers are encouraging infidelity. Dr. Devine dismissed the accusations.
“Our goal is to understand human behaviour, not condone it,” she said. “If anything, this research underscores the importance of hotel branding. Whether you’re hosting a marriage retreat or… other activities, knowing your audience is key.”
As for the participants? Many seem eager to double down on their experiences.
“I used to feel guilty about my affair,” one respondent confessed. “Now I just wonder if I can book next year’s rendezvous during the annual GracePoints Rewards Members Revival.”
In Conclusion
While the study has sparked debate, it has also left some wondering: What would the hotel’s owners think if they knew?
“They’d probably pray for us,” said another respondent. “But hey, at least we’re supporting faith-based businesses. That counts for something, right?”
For now, it seems the only thing more mysterious than the ways of the divine is why religious-themed continental breakfasts are so much better.