AstraZeneca vaccine

CANADA—More than two million Canadians have received an AstraZeneca shot during the pandemic, including 40-somethings who rushed pharmacies when the vaccine was approved for their age group in late April. Now, this glut of half-vaccinated middle agers is in suspense over when their second jab will come and what it will be.

“We have decided we will no longer be giving the AstraZeneca vaccine as a first shot,” said Canada Health representative Sharon Gloss. “For those who got AstraZeneca the first time around, they will receive a second shot. It could be an mRNA vaccine, AstraZeneca if it’s available, or maybe one of those Russian concoctions.”

AstraZeneca recipients have banded together to ask WTF? “We listened to health experts who told us to take the first shot available and that was AstraZeneca,” said 47-year-old John Trailer. “Now they don’t know if they can give us a second? Thanks for the AstraZeneca blue balls!”

“You pissed off the wrong bunch of people,” said Maria Gonzales. “We’ve had kids, weathered career changes, and embraced grey hair. Collectively, we don’t give a shit about being polite or looking bad—we want answers!”

Canada Health is currently discussing options for second shots. Still on the table: isolating those who have received one shot in a designated holding area at their own expense, stopping at one dose and hoping for the best, and providing a placebo.

One infectious disease researcher is excited to watch what happens next. “We have this whole group of people who will be pioneers in a vaccine landscape that’s already brand new,” said Dr. Ivan Lo. “It will be captivating and thrilling to see how they react to whatever second dose they receive!”

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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