Burger King seduces Tim Hortons in marriage of convenience


Photo: Phil Denton, flickr.
TORONTO—In a move seen by many as an arranged marriage, American fast food giant Burger King has purchased beloved Canadian company Tim Hortons for $12.5 billion.

“I think Tim’s is getting shafted,” said construction worker and loyal Tim Hortons customer, John Cunningham.  “They say the two will still operate as independent brands, but how long will it be before my breakfast sandwich becomes a CROISSAN’WICH?”

Although stock prices shot up for both companies in reaction to the pending sale, many believe that Burger King comes out on top.  By creating a new parent company and locating the global headquarters in Canada, Burger King can now take advantage of tax breaks north of the border.

“Sure, sure.  Burger King says it can help grow the Timmies brand with their global reach, but that was all just part of the courting process,” said TD financial analyst Todd West.  “Now that they have what they want, BK will keep its headquarters in Miami while Tim Hortons is based in Oakville.  No way they’re staying together with that set up.”

Even U.S. President Barack Obama weighed in on the deal.  “It’s draft dodging all over again,” said Obama.  “I don’t like these companies relocating outside the U.S. to take advantage of a tax inversion while continuing to operate within our borders.  It’s un-American.”

Aside from the cash transaction, Tim Hortons reportedly offered a dowry of 100 tons of coffee, half a million glazed donuts and 150 slightly used Cold Stone Creamery signs. With more than 18,000 locations in 100 countries, the new entity becomes the third largest quick service restaurant company in the world.

Just hours after the announcement, a protest had already been organized.  Participant Carolyn Hart said she fears Burger King’s intentions aren’t sincere. “We don’t want to be the green card bride for an American corporation,” she said.  Hart added that she objects to all big business and has never patronized a Burger King or Tim Hortons.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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