Chris Harrison is the Next Bachelor

HOLLYWOOD—They say when one door closes on a racist white man, another opens. It seems that’s the case for Chris Harrison, who was dismissed as host of The Bachelor franchise only to be revealed as the new bachelor.

“He has that perfect mix of recognizability and sleaziness,” said show runner Jada Kemp. “We’re just sure he’ll offend several of the women we bring in to date him.”

Harrison’s fatal mistake, and saving grace, was defending a past contestant. When it was revealed that Rachael Kirkconnell had liked Confederate flag-related TikToks and attended a plantation-themed party, she was vilified as a racist. Harrison justified the actions, maintaining that Kirkconnell “isn’t that racist” and that “she’s just a dumb girl who meant well”.

Just like so many contestants on the reality dating show Harrison hosted for 19 years, he has been given another chance. One that honours his enduring likeability and white privilege.

“The women we cast for Chris’ season need to be a good mix,” said senior producer Joel Adamson. “We know Chris will be anxious to clear his name and show how much he’s grown. Or not. Either way, it’ll be good tv.”

At 49 years of age and with a net worth of $16 million, Harrison’s potential mates will be chosen accordingly. Beautiful women between the ages of 25 and 35 can audition through ABC casting until the end of July.

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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