MARKHAM, ONTARIO—Doug Ford is the new leader of the Ontario PC Party. The Devil has claimed responsibility.
The election announcement was delayed more than seven hours after disputes with ballots. “I had a few issues to iron out,” said Satan. “Plus, it was hard to make that win believable. Look, nobody’s perfect, but I got the job done.”
The election of a new Ontario PC Party leader was a wild 44-day political rodeo that saw entries from a leadership bridesmaid, a power-hungry everyman, a political legacy and a helicopter parent. The whole ordeal was triggered when former leader Patrick Brown stepped down after being accused of sexual misconduct.
“I find the best way to deflect scrutiny is to cause chaos,” said Beelzebub. “It’s a tack I use frequently. You silly humans think Democracy is bullet-proof, but it’s very easy to manipulate.”
The Dark Lord said that initially Doug Ford wanted to be the mayor of Toronto, but then the PC Party leadership became available. “Doug was all, I change my mind! I want that now! So we amended the deal. I keep telling him I’m not a genie. No three wishes. Just pick something, because I have other deals to make.”
Runner-up Christine Elliott is objecting to the win and has stated, “I know there’s something fishy going on here and I’ll get to the bottom of this.” With problems including a bungled voter registration process, allegations of corruption within the party and a call to extend the voting period, uncovering the source could prove difficult. The Antichrist feels confident Elliott will never be able to expose the true reason a Ford is once again in a power position.
Ford’s acceptance speech included a threat directed at current Ontario Premier, Kathleen Wynne. “Your days as premier are numbered,” said Ford.
“Yes, Doug seems to be enjoying the spoils of our little arrangement,” conceded Lucifer. “But Rob held up his end of the deal. Soon enough Doug will have to do the same.”