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TORONTO—I read that weighted blankets are meant to ease anxiety and help insomnia. But I never felt anxious about my regular-weight bedding until I read about weighted blankets. What else should I be anxious about?

The articles I’ve read suggest that I buy a blanket equivalent to ten percent of my body weight. Since most blankets top out at twenty-four pounds, I’m worried about friends and family who exceed 240 pounds. They won’t be able to buy adequate blankets! Now I’m frightened about how these people will deal with their anxiety. I’m also fretting that they’re too fat.

If these blankets are meant to mimic a hug, do I need to give consent? If I give one to someone else, am I making an assumption about them giving consent? I’m wringing my hands just thinking about it.

These blankets carry warnings. They pose a suffocation risk for small pets and children under three. Oh no! I feel very agitated about the possibility that I could be setting a death trap for my emotional support animal. This is extremely unnerving.

Maybe I’ll feel less tormented if I smoke some government-issued cannabis. The problem is that Canada Post hasn’t delivered my order yet because of the rotating strikes and delivery backlogs and how will my holiday cards ever reach recipients before Christmas???

I’m crawling under a weighted blanket right now in the hope that it smothers my fears. And possibly me.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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