Putting the skids on toilet paper advertising


Photo credit: Calgary Reviews (flickr) 

CANADA—Canadians, tired of being misled, are demanding truth in toilet paper advertising.  Led by a group calling itself WIPE OUT LIES, angry citizens have had enough TP padding.

“Since when does twelve equal twenty-four?” asked preschool teacher June Byass.  “The last time I checked, numbers went ten, eleven, TWELVE.  Not ten, eleven, TWENTY-FOUR!”

In recent years, toilet tissue manufacturers have begun advertising double, giant and mega rolls as being equal to two, three or even four times the number of actual rolls in a package.

“My roll got bigger last year,” said angry consumer Tom Jeffers.  “Does that mean I’m two people now?”

Not since Axe body spray convinced legions of chicken-legged losers they could bag adoring babes has advertising grasped at such hyperbole.

“Just because something’s bigger doesn’t mean there’s more of it,” complained grocer Ian Tearing.  “Well, I guess it does mean the volume has increased.  But the number of items per unit doesn’t change!”

The group is petitioning manufacturers to either advertise bigger roll size or collectively agree that a bigger roll is the new normal.

“I’m so tired of seeing four double rolls equal eight single rolls,” lamented toilet paper user Daisy Wry.  “And the absolute worst?  Six mega rolls equal 24 regular rolls!  Seriously?  We can all count to six.  Everyone sees how many rolls are in the package.   Can you even fit a roll that big on a holder?”

WIPE OUT LIES plans to protest by toilet papering the front gates at Kruger Products, makers of Cashmere toilet paper. “I figure it’ll only take two packages of 36 double rolls to get the job done,” said TP activist James Gill.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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