Rehab is penicillin for your personality

It seems more and more celebrities are embracing rehab as an alternative to issuing an apology, going to jail or just being less of an asshole.  Rehab for Old Hollywood consisted of holing up with your manager and staying out of the spotlight until you kicked a craving for uppers.  Now, it’s worn like a badge of honor; it’s considered a rite of passage.  Or at least something the famous do annually.

Apparently, modern day rehab can cure almost anything that ails you.  From personality flaws to actual drug addiction, a quick look at celebrities who took a personal reckoning time-out in 2013 reveals the panacea known as treatment facilities.

Onscreen, Josh Brolin played the President of the United States. In real life, he punched a bouncer and screamed at a cabbie while reportedly drunk.  Brolin checked into rehab and now claims to have sworn off booze.  And if the trailer for his new movie Labor Day is any indication, he also learned how to make a mean peach pie.

Chris Brown spent two weeks of a planned three months in rehab.  Of course, everyone knows about his dust-up with ex Rihanna.  And when he allegedly hit a man in the face and used a racial slur, it was time to get help.  Serious publicity help.  Let rehab massage that bad reputation and spin that jerk into a humble singer, trying to be a better man!

Former Nickelodeon princess Amanda Bynes went off the rails last year.  After making headlines with erratic behaviour that ranged from DUIs to arson, Bynes was forcibly hospitalized.  She was later moved to a rehab facility.  All of this effectively got her out of the tabloids and free from declaring her actual demons.  Once more, rehab cures all.

Finally, Lindsay Lohan moved from facility to facility, reportedly trying to rehab her career.  Good luck, LiLo.  Good luck.

Now Justin Bieber may be the next celebrity to check in.  Reports say his posse is begging him to go to rehab.  The Biebs’ downfall from Canadian sweetheart with foppish hair to juvenile delinquent who eggs the neighbour’s house has damaged his image irrevocably.  Or has it?  One stint in rehab could restore the prince of pop to his throne.  Although personally, I think he’s acting like a teenage boy and no amount of rehab will help that affliction.

Rehab makes the effort so you don’t have to.  I think I’ll start using it in my life.  I may not be famous, but I could definitely use an excuse for some of my behaviour.  So what if I slept with six guys last month?  I went to rehab, so I’m cured of being easy.  That picture taken of me throwing up out a cab window?  I was on my way to rehab, so I’m all better now.  And when I stole my neighbour’s car for a joy ride, the judge said I could either pay a fine and publicly apologize…or go to rehab.  I say yes! Yes! Yes!

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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