MacKay demonstrates his attack posture for reporters
Photo: Wikimedia Commons

Federal Minister of Justice and Attorney General Peter MacKay, angered that New Brunswick is dropping current prosecutions of prostitutes and Johns, is taking matters into his own hands.

“I will be personally cleaning the Johns out of Saint John and apprehending any strumpets I see roaming the streets by citizen’s arrest,” the Minister said Wednesday.

Asked if he was exceeding his mandate, MacKay remained adamant. “While the administration of justice is a matter of provincial jurisdiction, Canadians expect criminal laws in this country to be properly enforced so long as they remain in force,” he said. “As Minister of Justice it falls to me to serve the public in this time of need.”

In lieu of a uniform, a special protective suit is being designed for the Minister to shield him from the hazards and disease he anticipates encountering as he prowls the untamed streets of Saint John under cover of darkness.

“I freely admit it bears some resemblance to a superhero outfit, particularly with the cape, but is that a bad thing? I think we need to harken back to the era when Canadians looked to their leaders as heroes. Protectors against evil. Defenders of the faith.”

MacKay then called on other politicians to join his “Minister of Justice League of Canada” initiative to protect neighbourhoods nationwide. He is also in search of a neat ‘Minister of Justice’ symbol for the chestplate of his suit. Chic-but-manly graphic designs are urgently required. Contest is open to all Canadians and entries will be accepted until the end of next month.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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