With a recent study showing Canada as one of the top 10 countries for high Internet costs, media overlord Rogers backs up their outrageous price plans with plain science.

“Do you know how hard it is to ship Internet all the way to Canada?” says Rogers. “Internet doesn’t grow on trees you know, it grows in the ground, and we do all the hard work by digging it up for you ungrateful pricks.”

Rogers is, of course, referring to the highly volatile “bandwidth mines” located deep beneath the Earth’s crust. “You’re paying a premium price to cover the costs of sending countless generations of Guatemalan orphans down to the centre of the planet to extract precious, finite ‘bandwidth ore’ that your $7 modem then processes into Internets. It’s not magic; it’s hard work, driven by courageous, dedicated child labour.”

This statement goes hand in hand with the launch of Rogers’ new “Think of the children.” campaign, featuring a live death toll ticker superimposed over each and every Rogers hand-held or tablet device.

By Jay Milley

Lives in Toronto. Rugged indoorsman. Great with power cords. Follow on Twitter @jaymilley

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