Jeff Melanson, known by co-workers as “Big Grabby”, resigned this week from his position as president and CEO of the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.

“I wasn’t really surprised by his decision,” said symphony member and flautist Armen Staben.  “He seemed to be going through a turbulent time.  At least he won’t be using my instrument to act out his weekend conquests anymore.”

The six-foot-six Melanson was recently skewered in the press by his ex-wife and heiress to the McCain fortune, Eleanor McCain.  She claims her former husband fired employees without cause, provided jobs for paramours and was generally a dick.

“He’s a real piece of work,” said McCain.  “But seeing as how he’s also an excellent arts administrator, I’m sure he’ll soon move on to his next position and take advantage of a whole new crop of unsuspecting ladies.  Unless they’re aware of his career path.”

Melanson left his last post as head of the Banff Centre early, citing personal reasons.  Possible contributing factors include allegations of workplace sexual harassment and breaking off his two-month marriage to McCain via email.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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