Photo credit: FS1 – Community TV Salzburg (flickr).
SKARDU, Pakistan—In a world demoralized by an economy in freefall, an unexpected casualty has occurred.
“I mean, it’s a global economy. We were hit just like everyone else.” Najeeb Sayyid Asghar, a top ISIL official, said. “We underestimated the effect our actions would have on the economy, and how the recession would paralyze us. Recruiting is down sixty percent. Our membership has fallen by forty percent. People just don’t have the money to just leave their families for a few months and come train in the desert anymore. On top of that, the amount of suicide bombers we are able to put out each month has slowed to a trickle.”
Asghar blamed the lack of suicide bombings on the lack of members, and able-bodied men’s reluctance to leave their businesses in the hands of their families. “Not that I blame them. My friend Mahmud almost lost the camel farm that has been in his family’s hands for 300 years; his wife couldn’t count, and was selling two-humped camels at one-hump camel prices. Okay—bad joke, but a good segue. It gives you some idea of our new attitude.”
“Don’t get me wrong, we’re still all for ‘Death to America,’ and everything, but we have had to really take a look at ourselves, and see where we could make changes. We just don’t have the time and the money to pull off conventional attacks. We are moving into the business of terrorizing individual Americans now.”
Career solider Mark Whitehead has already seen the results. “Look, I’ve taken out entire cells of Al-Qaeda’s terrorists. I’ve helped stop multiple attacks on European and American soil in the last five years, but this new stuff they’ve been pulling, what am I supposed to do about it? Just last week my tent got ding-dong ditched, flaming bag and all. And you can bet they put camel dung in there. Worst part was, I could hear a few of them giggling behind some of the scrap metal in front of the tent, but my pride was hurt man. Nothing I could do, but take what little dignity I had left, go back inside, and clean that shit off my boot.”
To date, tens of thousands of similar reports have been filed. David Guerra was a civilian casualty. “Just this week my neighbor’s house got egged. I used to walk to work every day, but now there’s this guy pretending to be homeless who waits outside my house in the morning, and bugs me for change during the entire 20 minute walk.”
It has even been reported that some ISIL operatives are dressed up as Jehovah’s witnesses, and are knocking on the same 5 or 6 doors, day in and day out.
When asked when the attacks will stop, Asghar said “It’s working too well. Attacks are up, expenses are down, and, if I am able to say so, it’s much more fun than blowing yourself up.”
with files from Woody Favres