Conservative Party rally to annex neighbours

CALGARY—Faced with serious concerns by many Canadians and challenges raised by the opposition parties to the Harper Government plan to annex the North Pole, the Chancellor of the Right himself granted a rare public speaking engagement during a rally at the RightStadt’s Calgary Stadt-lledome.

After all the rally-ers had been systematically rally-ed and their 12kv Rally Enhancement(tm) nipple rings connected to Chancellor’s remote, the first of the backbench BrownNoser branch of the party rose to speak.

“The Chancellor has been perfectly clear—my father will have rights to all pizza franchises in the region.”

After thunderous 12kv enhanced applause another backbench BrownNoser stood.

“Is it the Harper Government’s problem whether children get gifts at Christmas? I don’t think so!”

But the Backbench BrownNosers were just warming the platform for the Chancellor’s inner circle. The Stadt-ledome nearly collapsed under the applause following the next speaker’s message that struck to the very heart (or hole where said heart often is) of the Harper Government economic deformity platform.

“Some of those elitist Elfers claim they won’t be able to pay the new surcharges on their disgusting behaviour. We know that is all nonsense. They can just sell a bit of their property.”

(Aide: “The only property they own is the property we gave development rights to Enbridge in return for their brown envelope donations”)

“Well, then there is always a market in our new Northern: Bet-your-Fracking *&% Natural Gas fields development – for cute, little, apparently untainted service (nudge, nudge) workers – as long as they are not young foreigners. Then they are unpaid Economic deformity plan interns.”

“Either way, I don’t care but the little buggers are gonna foot the bill for what we do.”

When asked by the party faithful what to do about the near universal objection among Canadians about the party’s activities, the Chancellor summarized his position:

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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