Photo: The Grid
It’s not often that the same circus comes to town more than once a year, but this one is an exception. Crazy Town1 circus left Toronto briefly in early May and again sets down its big tent on Monday, June 30th at 1:00 at Toronto City Hall. You can just hear the sound of the calliope playing now, can’t you?
Ringmaster for the event is Douglas Ford, but the big star and main attraction is “Robbie the Clown” who is set for a summer full of fun activities. Watch for Robbie waddling around town in his suit and one of his many funny ties. Some of Robbie’s tricks will include: walking a straight line down Yonge Street, visiting a bar and not making racial/homophobic/misogynistic slurs; mysteriously disappearing and reappearing and a whole host of other fun activities that will be denied by Doug, the master of illusion. Remember folks, if Robbie doesn’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
Seriously though, we all know the Mayor has been in rehab the last two months, getting his messed-up life back on track. Mayor Ford has notified City Hall that he will return at 1:00pm on Monday to resume his job-in-title-only of Mayor. It can only be assumed that the Mayor will need to sleep in on Monday after celebrating his return to work on Sunday night “drinking pops in his basement.”
Mayor Ford is set to address the city via press conference on Monday shortly after his return. In a stroke of good fortune, the Mayor’s prepared speech was found, along with his list of supporters outside Rob’s Escalade parked at the Ford family cottage in Muskoka. Mooseclean’s source has asked to remain confidential.
The presser script reads:
“Ford more years! Thank you to the press for being here today and to all my supporters for standing behind me for the past few months. As you know, I have been to rehab and as I told The Toronto Sun’s2 Joe Warmington back in May, I have worked out like an animal. Yes, yes, I know I haven’t looked like I lost any weight, but I did, trust me. I had a problem, I worked it out, I now see what I did wrong and it won’t happen again. Trust me. Best $100,000 I ever spent.
I just want to briefly address the issue of the Escalade being driven by an impaired driver. The lady was in the same rehab, I let her have the car to go into town to go to the cleaners. I had no idea she would drink and drive. As you know, I am passionately against that. The issue of her watch being in my room: I found it in the hallway at the rehab facility. I called her cell phone to let her know it was in my room and she could pick it up on her return, from the main desk.
In closing, thank you again for your support. Now, let’s have a bloodbath of an election campaign so I can win in October and keep that gravy train stopped!”
1 Doolittle, Robyn.(2014) Crazy Town: The Rob Ford Story. Toronto, ON. Viking Publishers
2 Warmington, Joe. (2014, May 8) Rob Ford in rehab hot water. The Toronto Sun. Retrieved from http://www.torontosun.com/2014/05/08/rob-ford-in-rehab-hot-water