Experts worry Kevin O’Leary may have brain damage


Photo: Pummax, Wikimedia Commons

Experts fear millionaire businessman and Dragon’s Den investor Kevin O’Leary may be suffering from brain damage, after he told the audience of CBC’s “The Lang and O’Leary Exchange” that he believes 3.5 billion people living in poverty is “fantastic news” and that it will motivate people to work hard.

When asked recently how he feels about 85 people owning the majority of the world’s wealth, O’Leary announced proudly “[sic]…It’s a celebratory stat. I’m very excited about it. I’m wonderful to see it happen”.

Some experts believe his ego has actually become so large it’s created an epigenetic effect resulting in abnormal brain development, causing poor grammar, a complete lack of empathy and the inability to think logically.

“If you were to take an MRI of O’Leary’s brain, I’m almost certain it would look like a potato that’s been composting for six months,” said one researcher.

“I still feel like I botched the delivery a little,” admitted O’Leary. “I practised the monologue for weeks in front of the mirror. I said to myself, ‘I’m going to make it absolutely clear to the whole world that I lack any sense of empathy and have no understanding of basic human psychology. I have no soul. I am literally a walking cancer cell’.”

Whether or not O’Leary actually has a soul remains a matter of debate among both scientists and theologians alike.

John Alexander

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