Photo: Ziggy Creative Colony, flickr.

Most people have never heard of Jesse Wilford Reno but too many, it seems, are habitual abusers of his most famous invention: the escalator.

“I’ve been rolling in my grave for some time now,” Reno complained from a locked drawer in the city morgue. “It was never designed as a free ride for the endomorphic and idiotic of society.”

Reno, 153, recently invaded a local shopping centre where he clubbed idle standers on the “inclined elevator” before feasting on their ample flesh.

“You don’t need an engineering degree to guess that you can multiply your speed of travel by walking on a flight of stairs which are themselves in motion. If I’d wanted to create a conveyor belt for indolent mammalian imbeciles, I’d have worked for an abattoir,” he added.

Police are still collecting and sorting limbs from the scene but it appears that approximately eleven people were eaten before Reno was distracted and eventually subdued by shawarma-wielding security personnel.

“It’s been brought to my attention that there’s a ‘stand right; walk left’ convention in your society,” Reno continued. “But it doesn’t function as intended when the posteriors of average users expands to consume both lanes.”

The public is being advised to keep a close eye on their girth and take the stairs more often, as Mall security may be ticketing lane hogs starting next week.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

Leave a Reply