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Convicted sadist makes good on city plow crew

January 23, 2019Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

IAN WAS HERE: Clean streets make for happy citizens. LOCAL—Ian Cooper was recently honoured as Employee of the Month by his managers at the city’s municipal road management division, but the future didn’t always look so bright. Cooper, 32, was… Continue Reading →

Feelgood, Government, Local, Panache, Weather

Voters Re-elect Candidate for Umpteenth Term for Lack of Compelling Reason Not To

September 3, 2018Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

It is often said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. South-end residents have done just that, electing Diana Dietrich to a seventh term as city councillor. While… Continue Reading →

Local, Panache, Politics

Cat impersonates beer bottle to attract negligent owner’s attention

June 12, 2017Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

An area cat who observed a steady decline in affection since aging out of the “cute kitten” phase recently embarked on an innovative new strategy: trying to assume the appearance of his owner’s new love interest—beer. While clearly thicker than… Continue Reading →

Local, Panache

Resolutions broken one day into new year, man admits

January 2, 2017Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

Photo: The Integer Club, flickr LOCAL—On January 1, Glenn Dickson pledged that this would be the year he would take charge of his health: quit smoking, quit drinking, and lower his saturated fats. “I meant it, really,” Dickson says, lighting up… Continue Reading →

Culture, Health, Local, Panache

Eyewitnesses sought in vehicular death

September 1, 2016Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment
Photo credit: Tom Podolec, flickr.

LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.

Death, Life, Local, Panache

Guy behind you reports that you drive like an asshole

August 13, 2015Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

LOCAL–After repeated honking, obscene gestures, and yelling out his window failed to get your attention, a local man is speaking out to the press in a final, desperate attempt to get his message across.

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Life, Local, Panache

Hundreds feared dead in tragic anthill collapse

July 23, 2015Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

LOCAL—Seventy three ants were confirmed dead and hundreds remain missing after an accidental cave-in that occurred Wednesday at a colony on the upper east side, police reports say.

Continue Reading →

Local, Panache

Looters and vandals anxious for arrival of more bad news so rioting can resume

April 29, 2015Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

As streets were cleaned and businesses re-built yesterday in the wake of the latest bout of public destruction of property and robbery downtown, thugs, thieves and other malcontents expressed their longing for a continuation of festivities.

Continue Reading →

Crime, Entertainment, Local, Panache, Society

Local woman keeps gloves in vehicle glove compartment

March 25, 2015Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

While she’s never considered herself a trendsetter, Edith Corbett, 24, has recently found herself at the helm of a campaign pushing for a return to a traditional practice, reminiscent of simpler times.

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Culture, Life, Local, Panache, Travel

Reporter routinely plagiarizes self to meet deadlines

March 20, 2015Sebastian Panache Leave a Comment

Confident in the belief that no one will care—or even notice—given his relative obscurity and the short attention span of the public at large, ‘Russell L.’ [not his real name] frequently resubmits variations of his previous stories.

Continue Reading →

Local, Media, Panache

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