Convicted sadist makes good on city plow crew
LOCAL—Ian Cooper was recently honoured as Employee of the Month by his managers at the city’s municipal road management division, but the future didn’t always look so bright. Cooper, 32,…
Voters Re-elect Candidate for Umpteenth Term for Lack of Compelling Reason Not To
It is often said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. South-end residents have done just that, electing…
Cat impersonates beer bottle to attract negligent owner’s attention
An area cat who observed a steady decline in affection since aging out of the “cute kitten” phase recently embarked on an innovative new strategy: trying to assume the appearance…
Resolutions broken one day into new year, man admits
LOCAL—On January 1, Glenn Dickson pledged that this would be the year he would take charge of his health: quit smoking, quit drinking, and lower his saturated fats. “I meant…
Eyewitnesses sought in vehicular death
LOCAL—Police are requesting assistance from witnesses to the hit and run death of a young male by a motor vehicle at the corner of Hunt and Green.
Guy behind you reports that you drive like an asshole
LOCAL–After repeated honking, obscene gestures, and yelling out his window failed to get your attention, a local man is speaking out to the press in a final, desperate attempt to…
Hundreds feared dead in tragic anthill collapse
LOCAL—Seventy three ants were confirmed dead and hundreds remain missing after an accidental cave-in that occurred Wednesday at a colony on the upper east side, police reports say.
Looters and vandals anxious for arrival of more bad news so rioting can resume
As streets were cleaned and businesses re-built yesterday in the wake of the latest bout of public destruction of property and robbery downtown, thugs, thieves and other malcontents expressed their…
Local woman keeps gloves in vehicle glove compartment
While she's never considered herself a trendsetter, Edith Corbett, 24, has recently found herself at the helm of a campaign pushing for a return to a traditional practice, reminiscent of…
Reporter routinely plagiarizes self to meet deadlines
Confident in the belief that no one will care—or even notice—given his relative obscurity and the short attention span of the public at large, 'Russell L.' frequently resubmits variations of…