OAKVILLE—Scott Anderson, the senior manager at Pethealth Inc., began looking for a new employee two hours after data entry clerk Ben Witters failed to show up to work on Wednesday.

“If he thinks he can show up whenever he feels like it, he’ll have to find work somewhere else,” Anderson said about the man being held in captivity at the hands of a deranged pyscho killer. “I hate slackers and Ben knows it.”

Anderson initially believed that Witters was just going to be late, and had been preparing verbal assaults for nearly an hour before posting his job to workopolis.com.

“See ya tomorrow,” Anderson recalled Witters saying to him and other co-workers on Tuesday around 5 p.m.  “He probably went drinking and ended up in a dumpster or jail.”

Witters was eventually reported missing on Saturday after he failed to log onto an online computer game.

“Thunder Slayer (Witters) doesn’t flake when we meet for Emperors of Early Earth,” said fellow clan member Xui Chan, who’s never met Witters in person. “He was so excited to fight a dragon with the guys—no way he’d bail if he wasn’t dead or in the hospital.”

A police search of Witters’ apartment on Sunday afternoon revealed a human hand. Halton Regional Police haven’t identified who the body part belongs to.

“I want to fire him so he can’t say he quit—I wish he’d at least call so I can make fun of him for trying to pick up fat Melissa (Welsh) at the Christmas party,” Anderson said.

At a press confence, Halton Regional Police Constable Erich Paroshy said that Witters was last seen in person by Russ Snitt who works at Adult Video on Rebecca Street. In response to a question from Mooseclean’s, Paroshy said that none of Witters’ pornographic purchases were related to severed hands.

“Just your run of the mill threesome flick,” Paroshy said.

It’s believed that screams were heard from his home the night of Witters disappearance, but those went unreported, as they were “nothing out of the ordinary for this neighbourhood,” said Sha’Nay Johnson, who works as a prostitute on the street.

As of press time, Anderson had considered allowing Witters to keep his job because only women had applied for the job. Witters had still not been heard from and the body belonging to the hand had not been confirmed.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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