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Walton

Stories written by Dan Walton

Senior Writer

Follow him on Twitter @danwpioneer

 

Scholarship reimburses money squandered by university drop out

February 24, 2016Dan Walton Leave a Comment

The Johnson Scholarship Foundation allowed Jeffrey Hewitt, a 19-year-old former student at the University of Western Ontario, to conclude his studies prematurely without any debt. After missing three mid-term exams because of a hangover, the week after he scratched his… Continue Reading →

Education, Finance, Life, Walton

Bad mix of drugs costs man his boner

July 7, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

After convincing a pretty woman he met at the Penguin and Firckin Pub to spend the night at his place, 29-year-old Mark Bayston was unsuccessful in penetrating her reproductive organs with a chemically-induced flaccid penis.

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Drugs, Health, Sex, Walton

Omar Khadr mortgages luxury Toronto home

May 11, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

High-end Toronto homeowners are about to have a convicted terrorist as a neighbour.

Omar Khadr, who killed a US soldier at the age of 15 during the war in Afghanistan, has put a downpayment on 141 Bridle Path.

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Crime, Life, Ontario, Toronto, Walton

Sun News shutdown causes Mad Cow in Alberta

February 16, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

The sudden end to the Sun News Network, more commonly referred to as Fox North, has prompted an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease at an Alberta farm.

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Food, Media, Science, Walton

Harper to outsource human Canadians

February 6, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

To avoid the ramifications of a nuclear holocaust, severe global warming, or any other world-wide catastrophe – human consciousness will be conceived into computer circuits by the year 2100, Prime Minister Stephen Harper told the United Nations yesterday.

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Canada, Economy, Politics, Science, Technology, Walton

Chris Hadfield depleted drug stash at International Space Station

January 30, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment
Former ISS commander Chris Hadfield witnesses lights turning into sound

Former ISS commander Chris Hadfield witnesses lights turning into soundRenowned Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield has been accused of consuming more than his share of mind-altering drugs aboard the International Space Station [ISS].

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Canada, Exposé, Science, Travel, Walton

Mooseclean’s investigation: Target’s targeted failure

January 15, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

Target Canada’s ship is sinking and although a few captains went down too, Operation Barbarossa 2 has nearly reached its objective.

Documents were leaked to the Mooseclean’s offices which lay out Target Corp’s master business plan north of the border.

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Business, Canada, Walton

North Korea cancels its own controversial movie

January 1, 2015Dan Walton Leave a Comment

​As a pre-emptive measure to ease tensions with Mennonite colonies living in rural Manitoba, the People’s Republic of North Korea (PKR) has indefinitely postponed the release of 순종 여성 목장 손, which translates into “Obedient Female Ranch Hand.”

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Entertainment, Movies, Politics, Walton, World

Feds update definition of “impoverished”

December 19, 2014Dan Walton Leave a Comment

As the Government of Canada continues modernizing throughout the 21st century, the definition for a household income below $30,000 has evolved from “low-income” into “peasant.”

During a press conference at an aging apartment complex in Scarborough, Joe Oliver, Minister of Finance, said that, “It’s time to call a spade a spade.”

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Canada, Economy, Politics, Walton

Lady loses identity in bureaucratic catch-22

December 10, 2014Dan Walton Leave a Comment

After losing her wallet, Alisha Kaplan—as she was formerly known—is no longer a citizen of Canada.

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Canada, Law, Life, Walton

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