Photo: Sebastian Panache

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In the latest initiative to make itself completely indispensable to the human race, Google has announced beta availability for its new physician replacement app.

Google Doc, not to be confused with the company’s similarly-named web-based office suite, is a specialized search interface for differential diagnosis, advanced surgical techniques and other complex and costly medical services.

“We’re now about 30 years into our mandate—to organize the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful,” notes CEO and Co-Founder Larry Page. “It hasn’t escaped our notice that doctors are Googling things like ‘limb reattachment tips’ and ‘cheap sedative substitutes’. We want to make these interventions more easily found… first to assist doctors, then to eventually replace them completely.”

When asked how he knew the searches were actually coming from doctors, Page laughed. “Let’s be real. We’re Google.”

Page declined to discuss the company’s plans for an iPhone version, but the app is anticipated to be available in the Google Play store by the end of the year.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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