LOCAL—Seventy three ants were confirmed dead and hundreds remain missing after an accidental cave-in that occurred Wednesday at a colony on the upper east side, police reports say.

The collapse, caused by the foot of a distracted hiker, completely decimated the main egress points, sending countless grams of sand and clay tumbling into the tunnels and chambers.  It is feared many residents were trapped or smothered where they laid.

The victims, worker ants assigned to carry out routine cleaning and maintenance of the upper superstructure, were apparently crushed on impact. At press time, the hiker—identified as Lara Stevens, 32—was said to still be in shock but is receiving professional counselling by a registered therapist.

Distressed readers may find comfort in the report from Coroner Oliver Myers, which posited that death was instantaneous and the victims likely felt no pain.

Relief efforts are still underway. Donations of fruit and baked goods are gratefully accepted, and may be dropped off to the colony anytime, day or night.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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