VERMONT—Keurig Green Mountain, the company that invented the “single serving delivery mechanism for an addictive substance” will soon convey caffeine in a new form.  Get ready to ask for coffee, tea or soda.

CEO Brian Kelley introduced the Keurig Kold last week, with a very ambitious plan.  “Once, our goal was to have a Keurig brewer on every counter and a beverage for every occasion.  Now, we want to double our landfill contribution by 2025!”

Keurig’s delivery method, the K-Cup, is reviled by environmentalists for being neither recyclable nor biodegradable.

“Reducing our environmental impact is paramount,” responded Kelley to the concern.  “We will be bringing soda to the masses in time for Christmas 2015!  All you need is 90 seconds, and for about a dollar twenty per eight ounces, you’ll have a custom-made cold drink!”

When asked what will compel people to buy an expensive machine to make expensive pop, Kelley again stressed the appeal of the bespoke beverage.  “You can make it,” he said,  “Yourself.  In your home.  It’s an Easy Bake Oven for adults!”

Kelley also pointed out that if the coffee in K-Cups were sold by weight, it would cost about 40 dollars per pound.  “So the price of making an individual glass of Coca-Cola is a steal by comparison.”

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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