Man survives by eating food found in yard

LOCAL—An area man who recently lost his job has survived starvation by eating a variety of things picked from his backyard, neighbours report.

Nathan Moller, former Chef of recently-closed restaurant Poncey & Git’s, had been unable to secure new employment at a similar, highbrow establishment. Locals became concerned when they learned that his refrigerator, cupboards and freezer had been depleted of stores.

“When I didn’t see him come by for three weeks, I feared the worst,” said Hollis N. Davis, an area supermarket manager.

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Liberals announce “Green Week” initiative to help the environment

The Liberal Government of Ontario announced Wednesday that it is beginning a new campaign aimed at helping the environment.  The campaign is aimed at raising awareness for the need of sustainable energy sources.

Beginning on June 10th, for one week, it will be “Green Week” in Ontario, with all citizens urged to wear as much green clothing as they can to help support the environment. The week will conclude with a parade down Yonge Street in Toronto to draw attention to the environment and celebrate the Liberal’s green energy policies.

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Environment Canada declares wildlife dangerous to the environment

Canada’s Minister of the Environment, The Honourable Leona Aglukkaq has declared all Canadian wildlife a threat to the environment.

“Beavers destroy thousands of trees a year,” Aglukkaq said.  ”Cows and goats consume millions of tons of valuable grass and shrubs annually, and countless birds continue to fly into our precious wind turbines causing them damage. Clearly, something has to be done.”

Environment Canada, which was purchased by Monsanto in early 2014, believes that a new style of genetically engineered “super animals” will fit into nature much more efficiently than our current wildlife does.

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