Jackson’s cameo in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Tolkien enthusiasts were absolutely moistened with delight over the weekend as what appeared to be a leaked copy of a script for “The Hobbit” made its way across the Internet on torrent and file sharing sites worldwide.

While the leaked version bears no resemblance whatsoever to the theatrical version, analysts have claimed that the screenplay is undoubtedly a “pink shooting script,” meaning that it was an early working version that was later discarded or rewritten as the production progressed.

Peter Jackson has a long history of appearing in cameo roles in his own films such as The Frighteners, King Kong, and The Lovely Bones. This discovered Hobbit screenplay is completely remarkable for two reasons. One, Jackson wrote himself into the story as a major character, and two, he completely discarded any recognizable plot from Tolkien’s original story.

What follows is a single scene excerpt of the whole script as received by Mooseclean’s:


PETER JACKSON, having abandoned his beans and greens diet and once again splendidly obese, is seated on a large, overstuffed loveseat, one buttock on each cushion. A tankard of ale rests prominently on his belly.


The ale spills everywhere. Jackson removes his shorts and tries desperately to wring the spilled remains back into the overlarge mug.

Bilbo! … BIL-BO!

(A flapping of feet comes from afar, until…)

(breathing heavily)
Yes… your eminence?

Bilbo, I have for you, a quest. An epic quest to reclaim a treasure of untold value.

(still gasping)
Untold… value?

Well, more than you ever see in a year, that’s for certain. But what’s more, it has immense personal value to me. My future, in fact my very life depends on your successful retrieval of this precious artifact.

Yes, your eminence. What is it? What must I do?

Go down to the Chemist’s and get me twenty Rothmans.¹

Cigarettes?! What, now?

No! Tomorrow morning!

And so, early the next morning, armed only with his ancient, gnarled walking stick and £5.60, Bilbo set off for The Tobacconist. With head high, he strode bravely along the treacherous length of Erebor Street, shielding his lungs from the choking Smaug smog as he headed for the fabled shop of wonders at the corner of Oakenshield and Thorin.

Yard after yard he strode as his destination loomed ever closer in his sights. Moment after moment passed, marked by his own measured breaths. And finally, his hand was upon the handle of the great wooden portal, when all of the sudden…

Twenty Rothmans please.

Certainly, sir.

All the happy villagers of Wingnut Kingdom cheered Bilbo’s return as he walked up the Great Hill, packet clasped in his tiny hand and held high above his head in triumph.

His face beaming from the glorious warmth of the adoring masses, Bilbo extended his hand to Peter, proffering the glittering prize.

But just then, from out of nowhere, a deadly warg emerged from the treeline, snatching Bilbo in his jaws and dragging him helplessly back into the woods. The screaming soon died away, along with the happy expressions on the villagers’ faces.

And on the ground, trodden by the warg’s rampage, lay the crushed remains of Bilbo’s quest.

(Jackson picks up the soiled package and holds it aloft, before finally clutching it to his chest… His eyes are gleaming with tears.)


Not a sole survivor of the twenty.

Fran? FRAN!!!


1 – With apologies to M. Python.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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