TORONTO—After conceding to their participation in a bread price-fixing scheme, Loblaws has risen to the occasion and is offering customers a twenty-five dollar gift card as a gesture of goodwill. However, some are saying the fine print shows that accepting this offer means you may get burned.

“This isn’t an apology, it’s hush money!” declared Ian Thompson, a Loblaws customer who is also a lawyer. “If you take advantage of this half-baked deal, you could forfeit dough in a class action suit.”

Loblaws spokesperson Angela Simco claims the gift card is nothing more than an attempt to show customers that the grocery chain sincerely regrets their actions and wants to make amends. “Including some legalese in the waiver is standard practice,” said Simco. “Just as agreeing upon a price for bread was standard practice for fourteen years. We’re not trying to butter anyone up, but are instead extending an olive branch. And you should know that olives are on sale this week at all Loblaws stores across Ontario.”

The restrictions attached to the offer are being challenged in court as Loblaws prepares to shell out an estimated $150 million in guilt funds. “You can’t sandwich a clause between flowery language that seems to be giving consumers twenty-five dollars out of generosity,” said lead litigator Sammy Krishna. “Loblaws is hoping to use whatever money they offer now to offset lawsuit payouts in the future. They’ve got one hell of a crust if they think the public will be force fed a coupon!”

Galen Weston Jr. is using the latest President’s Choice commercial to appeal for forgiveness. Courting his next scandal, the Loblaws CEO adapts the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day consumer cred. And forgive us our debts, as we also have offered a gift card. And do not bring us to trial, but instead redeem your twenty-five dollars from the evil one.” Amen.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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