New drug promises to help Canadians sleep better at night


Photo: Vic (hang_in_there), flickr.

A new drug which scientists claim will help millions of Canadians sleep better at night will be hitting the market on Friday.

The drug, called Zonoplasmo, is designed to treat Thinkforyourselfitus by suppressing the guilt, depression and cognitive dissonance that many people experience when they become aware of how Canadian society really operates.

Thinkforyourselfitus is thought to be a rare genetic disorder that afflicts approximately one in ten Canadians.The symptoms typically begin to manifest in early childhood and if not properly treated, can become a real problem for both the sufferer and the status quo. Unfortunately many people, despite going through the entire Canadian public school system, remain immune to the West’s sophisticated system of propaganda and insist on using their own brains to form opinions. By adulthood, these individuals usually have a better-than-average understanding of how the world works, and experience some sort of existential crisis.

“I’m really looking forward to this new drug” said Mitch. “Instead of losing sleep at night thinking about the fact that the taxes I pay to the government are what fund the never ending imperial wars abroad, or the fact that I talk about how great it is to be living in a “free country” knowing full well that I’m nothing more than privileged and comfortable, now maybe I can finally get a good night’s sleep like a normal Canadian” he continued.

Doctors warn that Zonoplasmo does have some risks associated with it, including fever, constipation, hallucinations, heart attack, blindness, homicidal thoughts and loss of breath. However, market research suggests that most people prefer these symptoms to the guilt they experience from voting and participating in our current system of government and social organization.

Thinkforyourselfitus is thought to be extremely dangerous because it can be contagious, and a significant breakout of the illness could result in a complete collapse of the current status quo. It is recommended that if you know someone who may be developing Thinkforyourselfitus that you not let them come into contact with any books by Noam Chomsky or Leo Tolstoy.

John Alexander

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