Photo: Colleen Morgan, flickr.
‘MERICA—With the results of the election now confirmed, Eddie Farnsworth nervously plays with his toupée.
“My bookie said my chances were good, I should have gone for it. Why didn’t I? That guy knows the odds.”
Farnsworth, a registered sex offender with a long history of battering women and minorities, and possession of controlled substances, had considered a run for US President, but opted instead to continue to spend his free time just being himself: grabbing womens’ assess in crowds, mocking coloured people, and throwing spare change at prostitutes and homeless people from his car window.
“As a guy raised in the shadow of political correctness, I thought it was a choice—either or,” he laments. “I mean, I didn’t realize I could still be me but still have a legitimate chance as a candidate.”
With four years to contemplate another run while drawing a steady paycheck from his small chain of motels, Farnsworth tries to remain upbeat about missing his chance this year.
“At least I won’t have to pretend I care about what the fags think.”