Racist, xenophobic, sexual offender regrets decision not to run for President

Photo: Colleen Morgan, flickr.

‘MERICA—With the results of the election now confirmed, Eddie Farnsworth nervously plays with his toupée.

“My bookie said my chances were good, I should have gone for it. Why didn’t I? That guy knows the odds.”

Farnsworth, a registered sex offender with a long history of battering women and minorities, and possession of controlled substances, had considered a run for US President, but opted instead to continue to spend his free time just being himself: grabbing womens’ assess in crowds, mocking coloured people, and throwing spare change at prostitutes and homeless people from his car window.

“As a guy raised in the shadow of political correctness, I thought it was a choice—either or,” he laments. “I mean, I didn’t realize I could still be me but still have a legitimate chance as a candidate.”

With four years to contemplate another run while drawing a steady paycheck from his small chain of motels, Farnsworth tries to remain upbeat about missing his chance this year.

“At least I won’t have to pretend I care about what the fags think.”

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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