Photo: sushi_zume, flickr

A Newfoundland man has been banned from Lululemon Athletica stores for reasons he can not comprehend. Gump Brownsey, 52, calls the ban “unfair” claiming he was merely responding to encouragements laid out by The Lululemon Manifesto.

“I’ve followed their pointers for years,” says Brownsey, motioning to his Lululemon Diversity Wunder Under Crop. “Why they’d suddenly have a problem with an acolyte just following orders baffles the bejeezus out of me.”

“What I like best about the Lulu is unlike other businesses, they’re not just trying to sell you something. The Manifesto offers actual life lessons in the cutest little lettering on their windows. Like most of us, I interpret them literally. No looking back. Everything is better now. Lululemon and its fun and friendly inculcations are responsible for making me a much better person.”

Brownsey became aware of the company last August when he went to Larry’s Smoke Shop in Avalon Mall to buy Scratch N’ Wins. Larry was nowhere to be seen, replaced by a yoga-inspired athletic apparel franchise in his place.

“He was always a straight shooter Larry, and he liked to yap about life,” Brownsey admits. “But compared to the Lulu?  Larry was frickin’ amateur hour. For one, he didn’t know shit about authentic breathing. For two, he had no idea that children are the orgasm of life.  I mean, the Rock’s got oil now. Boys like Larry need to step up their games a little. Put the codfish aside for a moment and dignify the community with the purchase of a Namaste Yoga Tote II, or at very least, a Barely There Bandana.

Brownsey first integrated yoga apparel wisdom into his daily life with “Drink Fresh Water And As Much Water as You Can.”

“Pissed like a racehorse the next day,” he laughs. They didn’t want to use it, though, as a supervening life lesson. I followed it up with ‘Successful People Replace The Words ‘Wish’, ‘Should’ and ‘Try’ With ‘I Will’’ which caused a lot of bruised egos at my AA meeting. From there it was on to ‘Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel.'”

“Found myself in Guatemala of all places! Executing a nice song and dance number for the locals in the airport lounge. Funny people, the Guatemalans. Very resistant, unfortunately, to the psycho-spiritual miracles of flossing. Third world, I suppose. The only ones who showed any interest at all, really, were airport security.”

When he got back to St. John’s, Brownsey decided it was time to put The Manifesto to the test, to really challenge himself.

“The bee in the bonnet which frightened me the most – I guess you could call it my Everest – was ‘Do One Thing A Day That Scares You.’ I was terrified to try it at first, but reminded myself when the Lulu’s got your back, it’s kinda like being invincible.”

So what was his grand neurosis? The mighty whale that eluded him for so long?

“Fucking a Lululemon salesgirl,” he confides. “I’ve wanted to from the moment I first saw one. Always been too scared to ask though. Coltish little things.”

Banned for life, the equanimity he’s gained from his yoga apparel helps Brownsey stay optimistic.

“It’s like they say in The Manifesto: ‘Life Is Full of Setbacks: Success Is In How You Handle Setbacks.’  Thirty-five days in a row now I’ve been trying to land me a round-butted little buzzsaw. But ‘Your Outlook On Life Is A Direct Reflection Of How Much You Like Yourself.’”

“I’m not going to let their rejection define me. They wouldn’t want me to.”

Leave a Reply