Insensitive boy’s Facebook cancer announcement traumatizes millions

Millions of well-meaning adults and one broken-hearted child were left scarred and devastated yesterday after a photograph of a boy holding up a sign reading “I’VE LOST MY BATTLE WITH CANCER” was accidentally “liked” by 930,014,285 – roughly one-seventh of the world’s population – on Facebook.

“Why would they do this to me?” wondered an incredulous Nicholas Cranshaw, 7, of Vancouver.

“I’ve got six weeks left on this planet – is this really how people want me to remember it?”

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Scarborough man makes his own luck

Christmas at his parent’s house always meant new socks. However, last year, in addition to the socks, Sebastian Crawley got an idea that changed his life forever.

“We opened presents and afterwards we were sitting around watching my niece’s Dora the Explorer DVD,” the 41-year-old Philosophy doctorate student remembers. “I found myself transfixed by the relationship between Dora and her monkey friend. I couldn’t get over what a pitch-perfect debunking it was of Hegel and the tenets of Absolute Idealism.”

Sharing this observation with his family, Crawley steeled himself for the parry of intoxicating debate.

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Toronto Mayor’s bizarre homophobia attributed to estranged relationship with penis

A doomed love affair between a young Rob Ford and his penis could be what spurred the 44-year-old Toronto mayor to demand the Gay Pride flag be removed from Toronto City Hall Friday, says a former neighbour.

“I’ve never seen a happier young couple,” said Meg Hemsley, 77, of Etobicoke. The senior citizen lived next to the mayor and his family throughout the 1980s.

“They were very much in love and they didn’t care who knew it,” she recalls.

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Bell Canada’s Depeche Mode cover singer believed to be real cause of death of Philip Seymour Hoffman

Believed at first to be heroin, Mooseclean’s has learned that something far more terrifying and insidious really killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

“He thought it was Max Headroom when he first saw it,” said a family friend speaking on condition of anonymity.

Max Headroom but as a gay porn character.”

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Moustache misread maddens Medicine Hat man

An Alberta man is suing his former East Vancouver neighbourhood for refusing to acknowledge the ironic ethos behind his 1970s moustache.

DJ McSweeney – now known as Bradley Brummond of Medicine Hat – launched a Defamation of Character lawsuit Wednesday, alleging that the defendants, a group of political progressives known as “The Hipsters” – engaged in “willful and repeated efforts to make him feel sad, old and uncool.”

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St. John’s man stays positive in face of Lululemon ban

A Newfoundland man has been banned from Lululemon Athletica stores for reasons he can not comprehend. Gump Brownsey, 52 calls the ban “unfair” claiming he was merely responding to encouragements laid out by The Lululemon Manifesto.

“I’ve followed their pointers for years,” says Brownsey, motioning to his Lululemon Diversity Wunder Under Crop. “Why they’d suddenly have a problem with an acolyte just following orders baffles the bejeezus out of me.”

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