Photo: Thomas XU, flickr

So it’s come to this. It wasn’t the good decisions you’ve made that led you to read an advice column. Time to forget everything you know. Here are popular pieces of advice that should never be followed:

  1. Stop caring what other people think
    You wouldn’t be single or unemployed, and you’d have plans this weekend, but instead you’d rather appease nobody except for yourself.
  2. Find time for yourself
    If you’re leisurely reading about how you can improve your life through ADD-friendly online articles, then you have already succeeded in finding time for yourself.
  3. Don’t go into debt
    You have to spend money to make money, and whether that means taking out a bank loan for your summer window washing business or bringing your credit card to the liquor store, going into debt is the only way to create new opportunities.
  4. Don’t let anger get to you
    Nobody consciously allows anger to enter their emotions, and it can’t be consciously denied. But hey, next time somebody ruins your day, just think about some bullet point advice you read from a writer you’ve never heard of.
  5. Stop living in the past
    Memories of your glory days are about all that you have left. Things won’t be getting better, so rejoice in the thoughts of better times which you were unable to appreciate while they happened.
  6. Tell her you love her
    This advice is especially terrible if you’re a heterosexual female. But even for straight men, telling her you love her will probably lead to pinhole pricks in your condoms and subsequent bastard children.
  7. Don’t do drugs
    To be fair, it’s more common to hear this advice from role models than through the internet, but it’s still bullshit. The words you’re reading right now were written on drugs. To experience the greatest feelings possible, try: sex on LSD; a rave on ecstasy; a concert on mushrooms; abusing painkillers and laying on a couch. Or, continue to drag out your empty and bare life with the endorphins produced from your role model lifestyle.
  8. Learn to say no
    This advice always seems so obvious: don’t be a pushover. But your boss is going to ask you to do a part of your job that you don’t like to do and your landlord will ask for his money – if you say no when it’s not appropriate, you’ll become a bum. And you better not say no to drugs.
  9. Cook your meals from scratch
    My dad’s an assembly worked for Hungry Man TV dinners – the microwavable meal industry is unfairly discriminated against. Fresh food is overrated. No matter what you eat, it all ends up in the toilet.
  10. Plan ahead / Live for the moment
    Often times, both of these contradictory pieces of advice can be found on the same self-help articles. There’s a balance to strike when it comes to decision making – some things make you feel better now, others make you feel better later. Instead of living every day like it’s your last, try completing the tedious chores around the house that will make you appreciate a clean living space. But once your residence is completely tidy, then live like it’s your last day – you can go on that murder/suicide rampage you’ve been craving, or maybe try an extra syringe full of heroin. If you find those suggestions too hardcore, but still plan on living today like it’s your last, erotic asphyxiation is for you.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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