After repeated excuses by Mooseclean’s management attributing the recent freeze on published content to laziness and drunkness of its nomadic, indigent, largely illiterate staff, the current paralysis of the newsrag is now being attributed to an apparent walkout.
No writers union is known to exist and no statement has been made by the staff but, as is his wont, Editor-in-Chief Sebastian Panache is fabricating compelling but self-serving truth in the absence of any real information.
“I don’t know what else to call it,” he remarked. “They’ve just stopped showing up for work.”
While warm weather typically brings a lull to the publication, it has been speculated that this dry spell also has something to do with the publication’s criminally low wages.
“I’ve paid out as much as I could in beer money and ego-stroking over the years. I guess it just wasn’t enough. I accept full responsibility for the failure.”
Off the record, Panache slagged the “cheap, deluded, Joe and Jane Canadian” for failing to contribute “so much as a fucking loonie” via the site’s donation button.
“Assholes,” he may or may not have whispered under his gin-scented breath.
Update 5 August 2016: National Correspondent Molly Donovan has agreed to return to work provided that management refrain from obscene name calling and shameless, public whining. So agreed.