LOCAL—Voters beware. The next candidate to arrive on your doorstep may have absolutely nothing to say other than “Vote for me!”, if Fraser Young’s campaign is the way of things to come.

“This isn’t revolutionary,” Young said. “That people vote for parties, not candidates, is the worst kept secret in politics. I’m just the first person brave enough to frame my entire message accordingly.”

His message, he says, is self-evident. So much so, that it needn’t be said.

“I’ll do whatever the party line says we do. No more; no less,” he explained. “And I don’t even need to know what that is, specifically.  It’s all written in our official pamphlets… which I don’t actually have to read, because someone will always be there to tell me what to do anyway.”

Young first made headlines late last week when in response to intense questioning during an impromptu debate with a rival he repeatedly held up his sign, indicating the colour scheme with a stern finger and a fierce look of determination.

“Sure, it raised a few eyebrows, but consider the advantages. I said nothing stupid, incorrect, or embarrassing,” he argued. “Politicians get in trouble when they open their mouths.”

The trend appears to be taking hold.  A ‘major Canadian political party’ has successfully lobbied Carly Rae Jepsen to secure the rights to her music for use in their upcoming campaigns.

This ‘primary colour party’—which we cannot identify other than to say that they aren’t the red party or the green party—has reportedly been giving intense instruction in vocal performance and choreography (with minor studies in political science) to all their new candidates in hotly-contested ridings.

A lyric sheet, faxed anonymously to Mooseclean’s, read as follows:

Hey, you don’t know me,

And this is crazy,

But here’s my party,

Vote for me, maybe?

I can’t recall our

Official policy,

But here’s my party,

Vote for me, maybe?

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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