The Government of PEI recently revealed that they had given the Atlantic Lottery Corporation $4M to secure the rights from a British company for the use of the lottery game “GeoSweeps.” However, after a year’s trial the venture was deemed to be unsuccessful as no one had ever won the game, and as a result, fewer people were playing leading to lower revenues.
One bright spot, as reported by CBC’s Rob Antle, is the ALC’s reaction to the loss of the game, “If succeeding 100 per cent of the time were the goal, there would be no innovation…” In other words, the ALC is claiming that, like all lotteries, you have to lose big before you win an amount so small you can’t even buy a sandwich at an Irving gas station, or a large double-double at Timmy’s.
Reached for further comment, a spokesperson at ALC said: “Hell, we don’t care! We’ll just keep picking up games here and there. $4 million, $7 million, doesn’t matter. Keeps all of us employed and keeps the betting public addicted to their weekly fix of futility, damn! I mean their dream of financial freedom. Besides, we don’t pick up the tab for this useless crap. We just go to the provincial governments, make big promises of the huge revenues they’ll rake in… [breaks into laughter] excuse me… let me just get control here… and they’re like ravenous wolves; we can’t beat them off with a stick! New Brunswick and PEI were the two biggest suckers. They make jokes about Newfoundlanders and Newfies… hah! Well sir, couldn’t convince them to come on board.”
“It was so easy!” the spokesperson continued. “We got $8M from the governments, we put out useless ads on buses to advertise it, did some media and the balance was gravy! We have parties every month to celebrate! It was just like, ‘fill your boots’ with money. Woo-hoo! Best part: nobody won! More money for us!”
Now laughing hysterically, the spokesperson said, “We’re just going to continue sourcing new business and have some that are under development within our private-sector supply chain. We are in talks with potential strategic partners to see what else we can come up with. We are trusting that the governments in PEI and New Brunswick don’t change after the next election, because, well…then we might be screwed. Until then, won’t you have some champagne and caviar? How about some lovely PEI lobsters fresh from the wharf?”
Interviews with Islanders on the streets of Charlottetown, revealed that they are just too demoralized to care anymore. Said one man, “Nothin’ I can do about ‘er; those politicians spend money like drunken sailors. Even drunken sailors down here can’t afford to spend money like they do, b’y. Hell, sailors can’t even afford to get drunk!”