U.S.A.—After witnessing the love-in produced by the final concert of The Tragically Hip’s Man Machine Poem tour, the U.S. is looking for a band to create national unity.
“What happened up there, that was amazing!” said lobbyist Sam Johnson. “I mean, if we could find a band here in America that put everyone on the same feel-good page, we could actually get some things accomplished.”
In a country divided by politics, race and religion, some citizens are hoping they learn from their Northern neighbours.
“I seen what them Canadians done,” said farmer Tucker Babbit. “They were all kinds, come together for that twitchy guy with all them feather hats and shiny suits. He was sick and they got behind him. Well, our country is sick and we need to get behind her.”
There has been much debate as to what kind of band may be able to instigate brotherly love. Taylor Swift has been deemed too vengeful, Garth Brooks too Republican, Bruce Springsteen too Democratic, and Rush too Canadian.
“We need a band that transcends our differences and unites us in feeling,” declared America’s doctor, Dr. Oz. “And they should follow my seven daily rules for health because that’s good for America!”
Canadian music guru Alan Cross recommends that bands interested in becoming unifiers of Americans start by studying the Canadian people.